The Phoenix and The Firefly
by Jadzia Bear
Summary: The fighting was over. Nandi was safe, but the Heart of Gold was finished, so when Mal renewed his offer to set her down someplace new, she decided to accept. Welcome to the Nandi-verse.
1. Take What's Mine

**Chapter 1: Take What's Mine**

**Disclaimer:** This is a work of fiction based on the characters of the _Firefly _'verse. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Spoilers:** Spoilers for _Heart of Gold_

**Rating:** T (for language)

**Beta:** This story has been beta-read by the brilliant and patient Ella Greggs, but all errors, of course, are mine.

* * *

_"Nice day for a last stand" - Hoban Washburne_

* * *

"Rance!"

The bordello's threadbare curtains fluttered gently in the morning breeze. Sunlight streamed through the spaces in the boarded up windows, casting haphazard yellow shards down the newspaper-lined hallway outside Petaline's room.

"Most of your men are either dead, dyin' or run off." Nandi wasn't lying, but she couldn't quite keep the quaver from her voice.

"Aw, that don't matter none," Rance crooned, levelling his _huang tang_-looking laser at her with his right arm as he cradled Petaline's baby in his left. "I got what I came here for."

Even as Inara appeared behind Rance in the hallway, Nandi kept her eyes trained on him, kept his attention focused on her. "Ain't leavin' here with it," she vowed.

"This is my blood, woman!" he bristled.

"No." Inara's knife was at his throat. "_This_ is your blood." A trickle of crimson ran down his neck. Nandi spotted one of her girls, Joelene, in a room adjoining the hallway. She waved her over and pointed her towards Rance and the baby.

"Now you hand that child over nice and slow," Inara continued, as Joelene took the boy from him, "or I'll spill more than you can spare."

Joelene and the newborn disappeared around a corner. Another man might have conceded defeat at that point, but not Burgess. Nandi saw the muscles of his shoulder bunch in readiness, and from the determined set of Inara's jaw, she saw it too.

_Mal was right,_ Nandi thought. _The _hundan_ won't stop 'til he gets what he thinks is his._ For the sake of the child, and every other soul in the Heart of Gold – them were still breathing, leastways – this had to end here.

_It's just a moment in time, Inara. Step out of it and let it happen. _

Nandi didn't know if Inara read it in her face or merely reached her own conclusions, but as she watched, the Companion's eyes turned to flint. In the same instant Rance's elbow connected with Inara's stomach, she drew the blade clean across his throat.

Rance crumbled to the floor, the laser tumbling harmlessly from his grip. His eyes widened as he registered he'd been beaten, a scenario he'd likely never even considered. But the knowledge faded quickly, replaced with blind panic as rivers of red ran freely from the slice across his neck. His hands flew to the wound, but his efforts served only to bloody his fingers. Stray drops landed on the floor and glistened like rubies in the morning light.

Inara fell back against the wall. One hand rested on her already bruising belly and the other still clutched the wet blade, but Nandi doubted the younger woman was aware of either. Inara slid to the carpet, her delicate features frozen in horror as she watched Rance thrash and splutter in a futile attempt to draw breath.

Nandi was no sadist, but after seeing her own people taking Rance's bullets all morning, part of her got a certain satisfaction from seeing the bastard bleed out on her floor. Men like that deserved what was coming to them, and you didn't choose this life without being prepared to put a man in a pine box to prevent him doing you or yours the very same favour.

But Inara hadn't made the same choices as Nandi when she headed out beyond the Core. While Nandi had left the Companion's life behind, Inara had brought it with her. Even out here, she was still a part of that civilized world of dulcimers and tea ceremonies, and Nandi feared killing Rance required a sacrifice Inara hadn't been prepared to make.

She knelt down and took her friend into her arms. "You did the right thing, _meimei_. Did what needed doing," she soothed.

The door to the hallway burst open. It was Mal, rifle at the ready. Nandi saw his features dawn with understanding, then cloud in consternation as he pieced together the scene before him. He let the rifle drop to his side as Rance choked out his final breath from a pool of blood and sunlight.

In the moments that followed, the only sounds were distant shouts and a stray gunshot as the last of Rance's men hightailed it back to town. Nothing moved except the dust that swirled lazily in the air. Somewhere, the baby cried. Nandi took a deep breath and let her eyes fall closed. It was over.

She drew another calming breath in through her nose – and sat bolt upright. _Those fucking assholes._

She launched to her feet, dragging Inara with her. "_Fire!_" she hollered as smoke began to filter into the hallway. "Everybody get out!"

The young doctor appeared at the door to Petaline's room, eyes alert, despite the long night he'd had. His sister stood behind him, her face as calm as the surface of a pond.

"Doctor, can you get Petaline down the stairs?" Nandi asked. The young man gave a curt nod and disappeared back into the room.

"Mal, get Inara out of here." But even as Nandi said the words, the doctor's sister took the Companion's trembling hand and led her towards the staircase.

Nandi took off through the house, covering her mouth and nose with her hand as smoke muddied the air."Fire! Everybody out! Get out now!" she shouted.

She passed Emma and Lucy on the balcony. "Keep your heads low and keep movin'!" she ordered as they hurried past her.

Smoke taunted the back of her throat. She pressed on, checking rooms and shouting directions. As she rounded the next corner, the wall of heat forced her steps to slow. Flames climbed to the ceiling and licked the doorframe of her room.

"Nandi!" shouted a voice behind her.

"Thought I told you to get out of here, Malcolm Reynolds." The smoke was so thick she could barely see him.

"Ladies first!" he shouted back over the crackling flames.

_That's mighty chivalrous, Malcolm, but I'll fry before I leave here empty-handed,_ she thought, as she dove through the flaming doorway into her bedchamber.

* * *

The flames roared like a furnace and the framework of the bordello creaked and groaned with its desire to surrender to the blaze. Mal's eyes were watering from the sting of the acrid smoke. Every breath rasped past his tonsils, despite the handkerchief he held over his mouth.

_Gorram it, what in the sphincter of hell is she doing? _

He was about to launch himself after her into the burning room, but Nandi was already vaulting back through the doorway. She had a wooden case under her arm, the one she kept her pistols in. He would have given her an earful about how there wasn't a piece in the 'verse worth risking your life for, but she wouldn't have heard him over her hacking cough. He took the case from her and gave her his handkerchief, then wrapped an arm around her waist to steady the both of them. Together they headed for the stairs. At least, he hoped there would still be stairs by the time they got there.

Somehow, they made their way down the flaming banister and out the front door into the sun. Nandi's people were gathered outside, a sea of worried and tear-stained faces. Some were clutching the few possessions they'd managed to save, others were consoling friends and nursing wounds. Nandi took the wooden case from Mal with the briefest of smiles, then disappeared into the frightened throng, checking if anyone was missing and offering words of comfort.

Mal did a quick scan for his first mate. She was already on her way over to him. "Report?" he wheezed, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees.

"Rance's men have withdrawn and the crew are all accounted for," Zoe said. "Looks like all of Nandi's people made it out, too, 'cept those were gunned down before the blaze. Wash and Jayne are taking injured folk back to the ship, and Doc's got Inara and the Shepherd with him in the infirmary."

"Kaylee's water cannon?" he asked.

"Fire was lit on the other side of the building. Couldn't even see it from where we were. Then the _hundan_ snuck round and lit one right under us. Had to abandon the post for fear of it collapsing," she replied.

He nodded. Nothing to be done now but let the fire burn itself out. "Let's move these people back a little further, just to be safe."

Zoe nodded and pivoted on her heel to carry out his instructions. Mal straightened up and turned back towards the whorehouse. The shiny solar sheeting looked moth**-**eaten, the fire had chewed so many holes in it. Through the ground floor windows he could see the lobby furnishings – tapestries, lounges, indoor plants – all succumbing to the hungry flames. Smoke billowed from every opening to join the ominous black plume that hung in the otherwise clear sky, signalling to all for miles around that the Heart of Gold was closed for business.

There was a loud crack, followed by a thunderous crash, as part of the roof caved in. A spray of sparks and flaming debris spewed into the air. It was, he realized, the section of roof over Nandi's room. The room the two of them had spent the night in. The room that contained every last one of Nandi's worldly possessions, except for that case and the clothes she had on.

The rest of the crowd had moved back at Zoe's request, but one figure stayed rooted to the spot. Mal looked over to see Nandi standing rigid in the dust. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she watched her Heart turn to ashes.

* * *

**Chinese Translations**

_huang tang _– ridiculous  
_hundan_ – bastard  
_meimei _– little sister

* * *

**A/N:** Reviews are shiny!


	2. I Ain't Her

**Chapter 2: I Ain't Her**

* * *

By midafternoon everyone was aboard Serenity. The Firefly's infirmary and common area were overflowing with those recovering from burns and bullet wounds, and the rest of Nandi's people were in the mess, regathering their scattered nerves.

Nandi had joined the other volunteer nurses in the infirmary. She'd been up to her elbows in bloody gauze and burn ointment until there was nothing left to do except offer words of comfort to those in recovery. Doctor Tam had worked tirelessly, and she knew it was due only to his dedication and skill that they weren't going to lose anyone else today.

After the fire had disappeared into the dust, Nandi and a handful of others had gone back to sift through the ashes for anything of value, but they'd returned with precious little. Back at the ship, the Shepherd said some words for those who had passed in the gun fight, for anyone who felt the need to hear them.

The only counterpoint to the sombre mood was the newborn – Jonah, Petaline had named him. She was settled in the lounge with the baby at her breast, the other girls cooing softly over him. Even Mal's little mechanic was hovering around, in between getting cups of water and tea for everyone.

"How's he doin'?" Mal asked, as he passed Nandi one of the mugs of fresh black tea he was holding.

"Good, all things considered," she replied. "Your doctor says he's healthy, and he's feeding well. Petaline'll make a fine mother."

There were no spare seats in the galley, so Mal gestured towards the corridor. They strolled in silence until Mal said, "That offer's still open, to get you and your people off this rock, set you down someplace new."

Nandi sighed and shook her head. "There ain't no startin' again, Malcolm. All the cash I had tucked away went up with those flames. Besides, with Rance gone, Petaline and her baby are no longer in danger. There's no one to be runnin' from."

"Can you rebuild?" he asked.

"Don't see how," she replied. Even if she sold the antique pistols to pay for the materials and labour, she had no way to feed and house everyone in the mean time. Besides, the vultures were likely circling already, itching to take back the land she could no longer defend.

"Ain't nothin' for it but to send them all home, back to kith or kin or whoever they got on this moon can take them in 'til they find new work."

They had reached _Serenity's_ bridge. Mal offered her the co-pilot's seat. She sank into it gratefully, tucking a leg beneath her. "They're all from here," she continued as Mal settled into the other chair, "and even if some of them have daddies won't let them back through the front door, they all got someone they spend the holidays with."

The cockpit's windows were filled with azure blue. From here, the only sign of the Heart of Gold's destruction was a dirty smudge across the sky, where the breeze teased and scattered the remains of the smoky plume.

"And what about you? Who've you got?" Mal asked.

_Not a soul._ She took a sip of tea. Petaline had offered to wave her mama and ask if Nandi could stay with them a while, but she couldn't imagine the woman would be particularly keen to open her home to her daughter's madam.

"A friend on Bridget owes me a few favours. She'll put me up for a spell, 'til I can get back on my feet. I'll just have to hock one of my pistols to cover the fare," she said. She hated the thought of it, but those handguns could provide her with a whole lot more than just self defence.

"Can fix it so we swing by Bridget in about ten days or so," said Mal. "Got to stop for a job or two on the way, but you're welcome to hitch a ride if you don't mind taking the scenic route."

She gazed out across the arid landscape as she considered his offer. She didn't want to cause tension between Mal and Inara, but she could see now there had been plenty of tension before she'd come along, and the truth of it was things could get hairy for a woman travelling alone on the transports in this corner of the 'verse, especially if it became known she was a whore.

"Well, if I have to give up the Chaplain, better it goes to you than some _moshengren_ who won't appreciate it," she answered.

"There'll be no need for payment. You're a guest on my boat," he said.

"Ain't takin' any more of your charity, Mal," she said firmly. "I'll pay my fare somehow."

"Well, once we break atmo you can do some chores, maybe," he said, with a hint of a grin. She offered him a tired smile in exchange for the callback to yesterday's conversation. He stood and drained his mug.

"We'll get the shuttle prepped to give folk a ride back into town when they're ready," he said. She nodded her thanks and he left the bridge. Nandi took one final look back at the expanse of blue sky and dusty terrain, then tipped back her own cup. Time to say goodbye.

* * *

Wash had spent the afternoon ferrying folk back to nearby towns, and _Serenity_ was a speck amongst the stars once more. Mal was looking for Nandi but she wasn't in her passenger dorm or any of the communal areas of the ship.

He finally spotted her, drenched in shadows, on the catwalk outside the second shuttle. She was leaning back against the railing, arms folded over her chest and eyes on the metal grating beneath her feet.

She looked up as he approached. She was freshly showered and wearing a dress that was obviously Inara's. "Guess there's nowhere to hide on a ship this small," she said. She moved a hand to her face and he realised she was brushing away a tear. It was hardly surprising, the day she'd had.

"Just came to let you know dinner's up in ten," he said.

She nodded. "Thanks."

"Do you want me to..." he jerked a thumb back in the direction he'd come from. She shook her head.

He had no words of comfort to offer – there was no silver lining to her situation, and he wouldn't patronize her with meaningless platitudes – but as the moments passed he realised talking wasn't necessary. He leant against the railing next to her and they shared the silence like old friends.

"Hardly seems fair," she commented, after a time, "losing so much in one day." There was an edge of wry bitterness to her voice.

"Fair's one thing life ain't." He knew what it was like, to lose your purpose, lose your people – lose everything that mattered, in the blink of an eye.

He very nearly put an arm around her. Instead, he pushed his hands deep into his pockets. He had to keep reminding himself that their night together had been a transaction, nothing more. It had sure as hell felt like more at the time, but that's what she was trained to do, wasn't it? To make lust feel like real passion, to make the shedding of clothes feel like the baring of souls, to make the John between her sheets feel like he's the only man in the 'verse for her?

They worked well together and they got along, but he had to keep reminding himself that the other stuff, the sweaty, passionate, soul-baring stuff, wasn't actually real. _Caodan_, it was hard though. There was a reason why he never usually did that sort of thing. He wasn't a no-strings-attached kind of guy.

She shifted and her sleeve brushed against his arm. "At least the last time I was alone and unemployed it was of my own choosing," she said, dewy green eyes looking through the grating to the floor of the cargo hold below, or perhaps to somewhere much farther away. "Still, I've started from scratch before, I can do it again."

They both knew it was true, that all you could do was pick yourself up and trudge on, and in a few more days she might even be able to say the words with conviction.

The door to Inara's shuttle slid open. Mal stiffened. They both watched as Inara stepped out onto the catwalk. As if feeling their eyes on her, Inara looked over.

The silence was suddenly far from comfortable. She stared at them for a moment, her face an inscrutable mask, then gave a cool nod and proceeded down the metal staircase.

Nandi took a deep breath. "I'm going to go splash some water on my face before dinner," she said. She slipped past him and disappeared down the other set of stairs. Mal was left standing alone in the dark, wondering what the hell just happened.

**

* * *

**

Chinese Translations

_Moshengren_ – stranger

_Caodan _– damn it


	3. A Mite Tense

**Chapter 3: A Mite Tense**

**A/N:** This story certainly seems to be generating some interest! Thank you all for taking the time to read it. A few people have left reviews to the effect that they disagree with the whole premise of this story. I can appreciate your strong loyalty to canon pairings, particularly Mal/Inara, but I'd be grateful if you could refrain from leaving more reviews telling me how you would write the story differently. Fanfiction is a wonderful vehicle for exploring possibilities, both within and outside canon. I would never try to dictate to someone else the boundaries to which they should confine their creativity, and all I ask is the same courtesy in return. From this point on, if you wish to discuss objections to my overall approach, I'm more than happy to exchange PMs about that.

To those of you who have shown support and encouragement for the Nandi-verse, many thanks. You brighten my days! Happy reading : )

* * *

"Grub's up!" announced Jayne. He slapped two slices of protein loaf onto his plate and sent the platter clockwise around the dining table. Book judiciously portioned out one serving for himself and one for River. Zoe dished out slabs of the pale brown gelatinous mass for herself and Wash and passed the platter dutifully on to Nandi.

Zoe was getting used to Mal picking up strays, but that didn't mean she wouldn't be keeping a close eye on their new passenger. They'd had too many surprises in the past, and if Saffron had taught her anything, it was that companion training also lent itself to the arts of deception and manipulation.

"Boadicea is _not_ happy," muttered River from Zoe's right. She sniffed her dinner cautiously, while the Shepherd politely pretended not to notice.

"You'll like _Serenity_, Nandi, she's a real nice ship," Kaylee was saying as she passed the platter to Inara. "If you want, I could take you on a tour after dinner," she offered.

Inara put a small piece of protein on her plate for appearance's sake, not that she could bear the thought of eating anything right now. Despite the gruesome memories of Rance's final minutes churning her stomach, she passed the loaf to Mal with flawless outer grace.

"Thank you Kaylee, that'd be lovely," Nandi answered.

Inara realized she was gripping her chopsticks so hard her knuckles had turned white. She took a deep breath and forced her fingers to relax.

_Nandi lost her home today, you can hardly begrudge Mal for helping her out,_ she chided herself. _It's best that she's here, safe and among friends._ She took another deep breath, modulating carefully so it didn't sound too much like a sigh. _Pull yourself together. So Mal went to Nandi's bed. You of all people should understand a man has needs, and you've made it perfectly clear that you're not available to help him with them._

As cutlery began to clink against plates, Zoe started on her protein loaf. Pasty and bland, as usual. Well, maybe slightly worse than usual, but that was to be expected whenever it was Jayne's turn to cook.

"Sweetie?" Wash was holding a bowl of something olive-green and unidentifiable. "Canned peas cooked beyond recognition?" he offered.

"Thank you, dear," she replied.

He plopped a spoonful of the lumpy jaundiced mush onto her plate and then cautiously poked at his own portion. "I'm not sure whether to eat it or have the Shepherd administer last rites," he said, to no one in particular.

The volume level around the table was a little lower than usual. Something's off, Zoe thought. Simon wasn't there – with Petaline's labour and all the battle wounds he'd tended, he'd been awake for over thirty hours and was catching up on some sleep – but it's not like he was a big talker anyway.

"Mal? Primordial ooze?" Wash asked, offering him the bowl of peas.

Mal barely looked up before grunting no and returning his focus to his plate. He'd hardly said a word since he sat down. Zoe cast a surreptitious glance around the rest of the table. Aside from Inara, who was poking absently at her meal, everyone else seemed normal enough.

"Isosceles ... equilateral ... scalene ..." River wasn't actually eating her dinner, just slicing her protein into shapes. Yep, normal. Zoe narrowed her surveillance to the captain and the Companion as the meal continued.

Mal forked a piece of protein into his mouth and chewed without tasting. Maybe he shouldn't have been so quick to offer Nandi a ride. At the time he'd just filed it under 'the right thing to do' and hadn't thought any more about it. So maybe there'd be unforeseen ... complications, but it was his ship and his call to make and if anyone had a problem, they'd just have to deal with it.

Besides, he suspected Inara had bigger things on her mind tonight. Although, with all that training in swordplay and archery and the like, maybe she was more mentally prepared than he thought to deal with the emotions brought up by one's first kill. Maybe it wasn't even her first; there was so much he still didn't know about her.

Across the table, Nandi swallowed a mouthful of protein loaf. The meal could have been better, but making rehydrated protein appetizing was nigh on impossible unless you knew a few tricks, and in her position, she was just grateful to have something to eat at all.

"And you found the showers alright?" Kaylee asked her. "Water pressure ain't the best right now, but I done what I can with the parts I got," the young woman said, with a pointed look at Mal. He didn't seem to notice.

"I was just glad to wash the smoke out of my hair," Nandi replied with a smile. "Thank you again, Shepherd, for taking up a collection of clothes for me."

"Not at all," replied the Shepherd, with a kind smile.

"And I suspect I should thank you too, Inara. Looks like most of 'em were yours," Nandi said.

Zoe noticed Mal look up.

"You're quite welcome," Inara answered. She smiled, but it was tight-lipped.

_Well, you can hardly expect much more than that,_ Nandi thought. _You slept with the man she's in love with, invaded her home and now you're wearing her clothes. The poor girl is hardly going to be over the moon about it._ Nandi did her best to smile back, then quickly returned to her meal.

Zoe's eyes narrowed as she chewed a mouthful of so-called peas. Something was definitely up, and she reckoned now she had it pegged. She had suspected Mal spent the previous night in Nandi's room, but Inara's behaviour had just confirmed it. Zoe doubted the rest of the crew had any idea – she was the only one who always kept tabs on Mal's position.

Normally, she couldn't care less who slept with whom, or why, or if money changed hands. But when people were living in each other's pockets, whether it be a fox hole or a flying tin can, morale was vital to unit cohesion.

The captain was no Jayne Cobb, so if he had taken to bed with Nandi, it could only mean two things. The first was that the woman was playing him somehow, though Zoe didn't get that vibe (but then, the best ones made sure you never did). The second was a mite more concerning from Zoe's perspective – that he might have actual feelings for her.

Once again, Zoe wouldn't normally concern herself with the inclinations of other people's hearts, but it was her job to watch Mal's back. From what she'd observed thus far, Nandi was far too similar to Mal, with all that passionate idealism and eagerness to fight even when at a tactical disadvantage. While Zoe understood Nandi's desire to stay and defend her land, the fact remained that if Nandi had accepted Mal's offer yesterday to pack up and leave, she wouldn't be penniless right now and no one would have died.

River was murmuring softly as she sliced up the shapes of protein she'd made. "Bilateral ... radial ..."

Jayne threw down his chopsticks in annoyance. "Gorramit, girl, eat or don' eat, but shut up about it! Stuff ain't gonna taste any different round than it does square." River quickly popped a piece in her mouth, but the instant it touched her tongue she pulled a face. She opened up wide and let the morsel fall back onto the plate.

Zoe returned her attention to the captain. She didn't see how it was possible to be with a woman who was sleeping with other men, regardless of whether she was a Companion or a whore, so surely Mal was only setting himself up for more heartache.

_Well, ain't like the captain ever does things the easy way._

She forced down another mouthful of protein. They'd be on Bridget within the fortnight if their next job went smooth, but that was still plenty of time for life onboard to get turbulent.

* * *

As Jayne began clearing dishes, Inara rose and excused herself from the table. Nandi did the same and caught up with the younger woman in the corridor outside the dining room.

"Inara." Nandi gently caught her by the arm. Inara stopped and pivoted to face Nandi with just enough momentum to dislodge the older woman's hand – the decorous equivalent of jerking her arm away.

_I know you don't wanna talk meimei, but I'm not gonna let this go on without at least trying to smooth the waters._

"I never meant for things to turn out like this," Nandi began. "If I'd known, when I sent that wave–"

"It's fine, really," Inara said. Her expression was as mild as a china doll's, but Nandi didn't buy it for a second. After all, she'd been the one to help her perfect that poker face.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have things I need to attend to," Inara said, turning and continuing down the corridor with an efficient step. Nandi sighed as she watched the other woman retreat. Maybe it would just take a few days. And if not, well, she'd be off this boat and out of Inara's hair soon enough anyway.

* * *

The honeyed glow of candle flames warmed Inara's shuttle. It was just enough light to make the swathes of shiny fabric glisten, but not so much as to chase the soft shadows from the corners where they nestled. Sweet, musky incense perfumed the air. The smoke rose lazily from the censer to join an almost imperceptible haze that blurred the edges of the room and gave the shuttle a dream-like quality.

Inara settled at her altar and set herself once more to the task at hand. She let her gaze rest upon the flame of the red taper candle in front of her and tried to empty her mind of all thoughts. Her preferred form of meditation was guided visualization, not candle-gazing, but she'd had limited success with that technique this evening. While the image of the perfectly sculpted garden appeared easily in her mind's eye from years of practice, she couldn't hold the picture for long before it dissolved into the spectre of Rance thrashing and spluttering through his final moments of life.

She took a deep breath and let her gaze become soft. _Everything is emptiness,_ she chanted internally as she focused on trying to let go of her thoughts and feel the hollow lightness of being an empty vessel.

Beads of glistening red wax dripped down the side of the candle. Like drops of blood. With a quick puff of breath she extinguished the flame. She sat back and sighed.

This morning, in the Heart of Gold, she'd been able to just step aside, remove herself mentally from the task at hand. If only she had that same capacity now to distance herself from the day's events. She picked up a string of prayer beads and began to run them idly through her hands.

When she'd held that knife to Rance's throat and threatened to shed his blood, it hadn't even occurred to her that she might actually follow through. She'd just hoped she'd sounded convincing enough that he wouldn't want to risk it. But he'd had that laser trained on Nandi and she could tell he meant to use it. She couldn't let her _jiejie_ die, not when there was something she could do about it. Nandi would've done the same, had their situations been reversed. Mal wouldn't have hesitated either. He'd have ended that _hundan_ with his bare hands if that was all he'd had.

The physical act itself had been surprisingly easy. Too easy. Like a butter knife through velvet cake. Accepting the finality of what she'd done, that was the hard part. A sickened horror had leached into her core and taken firm hold of her vital organs. Cold dread had frozen the marrow of her bones. What right did she have to take a life, even the life of a man like Burgess? How did Mal and Zoe and Jayne do this every day? How does one live with oneself after committing such a momentous act?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a noise at the door. Mal wandered in, unannounced and uninvited. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said, swatting at the incense smoke in front of his face.

"Actually, you are," she said pointedly, gesturing to the altar in front of her. He merely wandered deeper into the room.

"Can I help you with something?" she asked testily. He stopped when he reached her jewellery box, open on top of her dressing table. He began picking up rings and trying them on random fingers, although most of them didn't make it much further than the first knuckle.

"Put those back," she ordered. She had no patience for this tonight. She marched over and began to pull the rings off his fingers. He put his other hand over the top of hers to hold it still. When she looked up, intense blue eyes were searching her own dark ones.

"You did a mighty thing today," he said softly, "but I'd bet every last coin I got that it's rattled you some. How you farin'?"

_I'm a mess. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is him, covered in blood because of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep again. I'm so sickened by it I can't imagine ever eating again. I don't even know who I am any more._

"I'm fine." How could she possibly talk to him about this? He'd killed so many he'd lost count. Even today he'd probably ended the lives of a half-dozen men.

She was acutely aware of the warmth of his hand on hers. Not so long ago it would have been intoxicating, but today it gave her more pain than pleasure. This dance of theirs only served to reinforce how impossible their situation was, and she could hardly look at him right now without being reminded of the fact that he'd slept with Nandi. Every time she thought of the two of them together, she felt her heart breaking anew.

"Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to my meditation," she said, trying to keep her voice level. His brow furrowed and he hesitated.

_Please Mal,_ she beseeched him with her eyes. _There's nothing you can say that will offer me any comfort. Now please just leave before you see me cry._

After a long moment he gave a resigned nod, then turned on his heel and left without looking back. Her cheeks were wet before he reached the door.

* * *

**Chinese Translations**

_meimei_ – little sister

_jiejie_ – big sister

_hundan_ – bastard

* * *

**A/N:** This story is proceding much more slowly than I'd hoped as I've been quite unwell, but I'll post more as soon as I'm able. Thanks again for reading.


	4. Ain't got much more than the basics

**Chapter 4: Ain't got much more than the basics**

**A/N:** A new year, a new chapter. Happy New Year everyone! Just a little reminder (seeing as it's been so very long between chapters), back in chapter 2, after Nandi insisted she'd pay her way somehow, Mal answered, "Well, once we break atmo you can do some chores, maybe." He refers to that comment in this chapter. Ok, hopefully everything will make sense now :)

* * *

After breakfast the next morning, Nandi took her smoke-stained dress from the day before to the ship's laundry. The soap she found under the sink was cheap and unscented, but it was strong and it did the job. There was a tear in one sleeve that would be easily mended, and once she took the hem up by a couple of inches to hide the blackened singe along one side, it would be good as new. Nandi hung the dress up to dry and returned to her cabin. She sat on the bed and drummed her fingers on her thigh as she looked around the bare room. She'd hadn't slept very well – the engine noise, among other things, had kept her awake – but she didn't feel like a nap. If circumstances were different, she would have gone to see if Inara was free to chat, but there was no mistaking from their exchange last night that the Companion wanted some space. Inara would talk to her when she was ready, as she always had back at the training house.

Nandi wasn't used to being idle. At the Heart there was nearly always things needed doing, or if something was bothering her, she'd go down to the kitchen, clear herself some bench space and whip up a batch of something. She'd take out her frustrations on a ball of dough, or lose her worries in a cloud of nutmeg and cinnamon.

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. Maybe she still could. She rose and headed for the galley.

When she got there she found the preacher reading at the table under the star-studded windows. She'd travelled in the Black before, but could rarely afford a room with a view. Starlight at ten in the morning would take some getting used to.

"Shepherd, do you think anyone would mind if I did some baking?" she asked.

The preacher raised his eyebrows."Not at all, but aside from protein, we don't have much by way of ingredients," he said apologetically. He pointed to a locker on the far left. "In there you'll find the canned food, although the only cans left ... lost their labels a little while back. And in the one next to it you'll find some flour, sugar, salt. There's not much more than the basics, I'm afraid."

"That'll do nicely, thank you, Preacher," she said confidently, opening cupboards and acquainting herself with the contents.

"Alright, well, just let me know if you have trouble finding anything." She detected a note of honest scepticism in his voice. So he doubted anything edible could be produced from such slim pickings**. **But what he didn't realise was that she'd had plenty of practice making something out of nothing these last few years. She smiled to herself and set to work.

* * *

It was about lunchtime when Mal crossed through the dining hall and saw Nandi at the sink washing dishes.

He paused. "You do know I was joking 'bout the chores, right?"

"Just cleanin' up my mess," she replied.

He noticed a tray of fresh dumplings on the counter. At the same instant, he caught the mouth-watering aroma drifting through the galley. He breathed in deep.

"I thought the pantry was nigh on empty," he said. "What's this?"

"Bao!" cried Wash joyously from the dining table, where he was hunched over his own serving.

"Fresh bao?" Mal asked, eyeing Nandi warily.

She turned away from the sink to face him. "You don't like bao?" she asked evenly.

"I like it well enough," he replied cautiously. "Just learned not to trust women who make it for me, is all."

She raised an eyebrow at his cryptic response. "Well, if you don't want any–"

"Didn't say that," he said quickly. They smelled too good to pass up, despite theSaffron-y connotations.

He grabbed a dumpling off the tray and stuffed it in his mouth as he continued on towards the engine room. After a few steps, he paused. It tasted even better than it smelled. In fact, it tasted better than anything he'd eaten in months.

_How the hell did she make something that tastes like pork filling?_

He turned back. "Thass reary good," he said around a mouthful of dumpling, then strode off.

Wash brought his plate over to the sink and picked up a dish towel.

"What was that all about?" Nandi asked him, nodding after the captain.

Wash began drying a bowl. "Oh, he was just referring to the time his wife knocked him out with her lipstick," Wash replied nonchalantly.

A sudsy plate nearly slipped from Nandi's fingers. _"Shenme?"_

"Actually, it's quite a story," said Wash. He leaned back against the counter top. "Our tale begins with the intrepid Captain Reynolds on a stagecoach, wearing a dress and bonnet..."

* * *

Nandi passed most of the afternoon on the bridge, firstly waving her friend on Bridget about her need for temporary work and lodgings (her request was granted, but not quite as easily as she'd expected) and then reclining in the co-pilot's chair and being regaled with more tales of the crew's adventures by the friendly pilot.

Dinner passed much as it had the night before, although she was convinced Inara was avoiding her. The Companion hadn't been seen all day and she'd chosen to take her meals in her shuttle.

That evening, Nandi was passing the infirmary when she ran into Jayne on his way back from the showers. His hair was damp from being freshly washed and she noticed his beard was neatly trimmed.

"They's some shiny dumplin's you made today, Miss Nandi," he said politely. "Ain't nobody on board cooks that good."

"Well, I'd certainly be happy to offer a few pointers," she replied kindly.

"Actually," the burly armsman took hold of both ends of the towel slung round his neck and smiled suggestively, "it was them other skills a' yers I was hopin' you'd be in'erested in sharin', if you get my meanin'..."

* * *

Mal was in the cargo hold doing some final checks before they set down on Janus in the morning, when he spotted Jayne and Nandi talking outside the infirmary. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but he didn't need to. He should've known it wouldn't take Jayne long before he tried it on with Nandi. Maybe he should've taken his sex-crazed gunman aside and cautioned him to leave Nandi alone, although his warnings about Inara hadn't stopped Jayne from propositioning her the first chance he got. Mal had never found out exactly what Inara's response was, but it had been enough to keep Jayne from ever bothering her again. Well, doubtless Nandi would send Jayne scuttling back to his bunk with his tail between his legs, too.

Both Nandi and Jayne stopped talking as Simon walked past them into the infirmary. Yep, no question what topic was under discussion. After another brief exchange, Nandi took Jayne by the arm and led him towards the passenger dorms. Mal felt his stomach disappear somewhere past his knees. He had half a mind to go after them, all loud and captainy, tell them there'd be no "trade" on his ship without his say so. But after wrestling with that notion for a few moments, he realized it would just embarrass all of them (well, Jayne probably wouldn't have the decency to be embarrassed). But more to the point, she was a whore, and just like Inara, he had no right to tell her who she could or couldn't do business with.

_Ain't no good reason for you to care anyway, Reynolds. Spending a night with a woman don't make her yours. If Jayne Cobb can wrap his _jiandan_ brain around that fact, surely you can too._

Mal saw nothing for it but to head to his bunk – right after he pushed a few really heavy crates from one side of the cargo hold to the other.

* * *

**Chinese translations**

_shenme – _what

_jiandan_ - simple


	5. You look wonderful

**Chapter 5:** You look wonderful

* * *

Jayne, Wash and Kaylee were eating breakfast the next morning when Mal tramped into the galley. Jayne and Kaylee exchanged a look as they both noticed the deep furrow in Mal's brow, an indication that he was in one of his grumpier moods.

"Wash, how long 'til we hit atmo?" Mal barked.

Wash paused, spoon halfway to his mouth. "'Bout an hour," he replied, then piloted the oatmeal into his mouth.

"Fuel us up once we're dirtside," Mal ordered.

"Aye sir," replied Wash, saluting with his spoon. Mal ignored the gesture and turned to his mechanic.

"Kaylee, here's some cash for groceries." He handed over a few crumpled notes. "That's all we got to spare so spend it wisely," he warned. She nodded quickly and tucked the cash into the pocket of her coveralls. "Take the mule. Zoe 'n I will walk. Jayne, get the water topped up and the sewage pumped."

"Y' don't need me at yer meetin'?" Jayne asked, surprised.

"Nope," Mal snapped. After a moment he added, "Contact's an old war buddy. Not expecting any trouble."

Jayne smirked at the notion that there would ever be a time they shouldn't be expecting trouble, but after that _luanqibazao_ with Tracey, he'd rather pump sewage than meet another one of Mal and Zoe's old pals, or spend any more time than necessary with Captain Panties-In-A-Twist. He returned to his breakfast without another word.

* * *

Mid-morning found Zoe and Mal walking down what passed as the main street of a dusty, backwater town. Despite its rough edges, Janus seemed to be doing pretty well for itself. The courthouse and several other buildings were undergoing renovations and some of the shops looked as if they'd recently received a fresh coat of paint. In amongst the essentials like the dry goods store and the saddlery, Zoe noticed new additions such as a jewellers, an antique store and even a haberdashery.

"Here we go," said Mal, stopping outside a saloon and looking up at the faded sign above the door. "Chez Sandrine." He pushed through the squeaky batwing doors and Zoe followed him into the dim interior.

The establishment was nigh on deserted at this hour of the day. In the far corner sat their contact, Lieutenant Dexter Blake. No, just Dexter Blake now, Zoe corrected herself. He looked much like she remembered him, although his blond hair was now long enough to be tied back in a ponytail. He was as tall as Jayne, and as broad in the shoulders, but narrower at the waist. He was dressed in a navy shirt, bone-coloured pants and brown boots**,** and had a holster slung low around his hips. As they approached, he stood to greet them.

"Mal! Zoe! So good to see you again," he smiled, clasping their hands in his own. He still had that charming, sincere warmth. It was one of the traits that made him such a good lieutenant. He had a natural ability to inspire and captivate, to bring out the best in a soldier. His men had worshipped him, considered it an honour to carry out his orders. Mal and Zoe had only served under him briefly, but he'd been the best lieutenant either of them had ever had.

Before Zoe's eyes, Blake's handshake seemed to leach away much of the inexplicable ire the captain had been carrying around all morning.

As they each took a seat, a young dark-haired waitress approached the table. "A large pot of Earl Grey, thanks love," said Blake with a disarming grin. The girl smiled shyly and nodded. "Anything else?" he asked Mal and Zoe. They both shook their heads and the girl scurried back towards the kitchen, a touch of colour in her cheeks. Zoe hid a smirk. Blake always had women fawning after him, though he never seemed to notice. He wasn't her type, but she wasn't blind to his chiselled features and charming accent. It was somewhat similar to Badger's, but a whole lot more refined and easy on the ears.

"So! You have a smuggling ship, and the swashbuckling lifestyle to go with it, it would seem," Blake grinned.

"I suppose we do," replied Mal. "And what about you? I seem to remember big talk of plans to become governor of some Rim moon, end corruption, make the 'verse a better place and such," he taunted with an affable grin.

Blake's smile didn't falter, but a shadow flickered in his eyes. "I'm sure you know what it's like, trying to hold down a regular job since the war. Not as easy as it seems."

As he spoke, Zoe noticed the lines around Blake's eyes**, **deep crevices that could lead one to think he was a few years older than Mal, though she knew for a fact he was a couple of years younger. "Besides, it's that much easier to stick it to the Alliance when you're on the _other_ side of the law, don't you think?" he said with a wink.

The waitress returned with a tray laden with three teacups and a teapot. Once they were all settled with their beverages, Mal leaned in closer. "So, speaking of sticking it to the Alliance, tell us more about this job."

It didn't matter how many times the captain said things like, 'war's long done,' Zoe doubted the battle would ever truly be over for him.

"Alright," began Blake as he heaped a spoonful of sugar into his teacup. "I don't know if you've heard, but the Alliance are trying a new tactic on a few moons, including this one, in their efforts to gain more control over the Rim and its resources. Rather than taking the planet by force, then having to deal with the public relations nightmare of riots and rebellion, they're using money to ease the transition. Nearly all the government officials on Janus, as well as other significant members of the community, are accepting hefty pay checks in exchange for singing the praises of the mighty Alliance.

"The sheriff is in on it as well. He's getting all flashy with his new found cash, decorating his office with fancy imported works of art and the like. Which is the reason I waved you." He paused to take a sip of tea.

"There's a particular piece he's got, a painting, that I already have a buyer for off-world. Security in a little town like this is hardly high tech. The deputy goes out on his rounds at the same time every day, so all you'll need is someone to keep the sheriff distracted out front while you slip in through the back. It's not without an element of risk, but this job should be easy, if you're interested," he finished.

Mal leisurely tipped back his teacup and then set it back in its saucer. "Sounds like a job we can manage," he replied smoothly. "But I just got one question for you, Blake. If this job's so simple, why not do it yourself?"

Blake grinned easily as he picked up the teapot and refilled Mal's cup. "This job requires at least three, Mal. I'm a lone wolf these days," he answered.

Mal decided the risk was acceptable, and the cut Blake offered was more than fair. They discussed a few more details as the tea ran dry, then Mal and Zoe bid their old friend farewell and returned to the ship.

* * *

"So what're you doing with this thing, Kaylee, getting it dry cleaned?" Nandi asked from behind a mountain of pink fluff. When the mechanic had asked for her help with the shopping, she hadn't imagined it would involve cradling an outrageously over-ruffled ballgown on the back of a mule.

"Nope. Gettin' rid of it," replied Kaylee from the driver's seat as they chugged down the street. "I waved the dress store and the owner said she could prob'ly swap it for a store credit. I got to wear it to a ball once," Nandi could hear the sparkle in the younger woman's voice at the memory, "but it takes up too much space and I ain't ever gonna have reason to wear it again."

Once they'd wrestled the giant hoop skirt through the door of the shop, the elderly dressmaker examined the gown deftly, turning over hems and scrutinizing seams. "I only wore it one time an' I was real careful not to spill anything on it," Kaylee informed her proudly.

"I'll give you two hundred in store credit," the woman announced.

"Two hundred," repeated Kaylee, nodding. "That should get your wardrobe started again." She turned a sly grin on Nandi as her true intentions were revealed.

Nandi's eyebrows rose. "Oh Kaylee honey, I can't take your money!"

"Weren't my money what bought the dress in the first place, or even the captain's, so don't fret about that." When Nandi still wasn't convinced, Kaylee's eyes grew round and entirely too puppy-like. "You got next to nothin' of your own an' I just wanted to help you out."

Nandi felt a prickle behind her eyes. In her experience, the best the 'verse had to offer was a kick when you were down, and the only way back up was by pulling on your own bootstraps. This act of generosity was almost overwhelming after the trauma of losing the Heart of Gold.

"Thank you_**,**_ dear, that's awfully kind of you," she murmured softly.

Kaylee grinned triumphantly and ushered Nandi towards the racks of clothes.

Within the hour Nandi had picked out a handful of outfits and other essentials_**,**_ including nightclothes, underthings and a couple of pairs of shoes. While she had been looking for items for herself, she'd also picked out a white sundress for Kaylee. "Go try this on," she said, holding it out to the younger woman.

"Oh, I don't usually wear white. Just gets grease on it," said Kaylee with a shrug.

"This ain't for the engine room," Nandi smiled. "Just try it on."

Kaylee disappeared into the change room and emerged again with a look of wonder on her face. Nandi nodded with satisfaction. The cut of the dress showed off Kaylee's curves perfectly. The simple white dress painted an innocent yet irresistible picture.

"You know what that dress would be perfect for?" Nandi asked. Kaylee shook her head, wide-eyed. "A first date," Nandi informed her with a grin.

"Do you think?" Kaylee asked, turning excitedly in front of the mirror to see herself from all angles.

"Although I should warn you," Nandi confided, "that handsome doctor isn't nearly as much of a gentleman as he'd have you believe. I caught him checking out that little caboose of yours yesterday."

"Really?" Kaylee grinned.

"Mm-hm" Nandi nodded knowingly.

She wondered briefly if Kaylee wouldn't be better off with the mercenary instead of the doctor. There was no denying Jayne was a little rough around the edges, but she read in Kaylee an uninhibited sexuality that seemed better matched to the likes of him than that of the reserved and proper doctor. Nandi wasn't even sure herself why she'd turned down Jayne's advances the night before. God knew she needed the cash, and her girl Helen had farewelled him with tears in her eyes, so he clearly knew how to treat a whore well, but it just hadn't seemed right somehow.

Kaylee twirled in front of the mirror and Nandi smiled. "Now go and get changed so the lady can wrap it up for you," Nandi said, shooing Kaylee back towards the change room with a grin. That dress would only increase her chances, no matter who she had her eye on, and she'd get far more use out of it than a ballgown.

* * *

**Chinese translations**

_luanqibazao_ – hideous mess


End file.
